Monday, May 23, 2011

She said: Queen of Denial

From time to time when L and I are together, we discuss what is going on with other bloggers. Sometimes it's in the vein of "can you believe it?", but at other times, we commiserate with others in this community - when infidelity bloggers are caught by their significant others, we talk about how we can tighten up to make sure that doesn't happen to us; when our blogger "friends" are having problems, we talk about that too.

Recently, one of our blogger friends - someone whose blog we read, follow and enjoy - blogged about how frustrated she was feeling about how things were going with her sex life. As it happens, I relate pretty closely to this blogger. From things she's written, I see that we have very many things in common and to me, she feels like a kindred spirit.

We're both married to men with a lower libido and have gone years with no sex at all, only unlike mine, her marriage has happily survived and indeed gone on to be quite satisfying overall. She has recently become quite interested in male chastity and her husband seems willing to be subjected to those restrictions. While she enjoys the erotic nature of that type of play, it also causes a very unfortunate downside for her.

You see, the problem she's having is that he gets so excited when they are in bed, he often cannot contain himself (pun intended) long enough to satisfy her first. Once he's finished, then she feels that there is undue pressure for her to get off quickly and it completely kills the mood for her. To me, this is not so surprising after a long period of denial. L had some interesting ideas about how to combat this. I have to say that as outlandish as some of them sound to me, I really cannot dismiss them, as L has proven time and time again that he is a much better judge of people and analyzer of situations than I. I, however, had a few ideas for a different approach that I would use in the same situation that I would like to share.

During our discussion, L asked me how I would feel if we were together every day, but he made me wait a week or more at a time without having sex. That was easy to answer. I told him that at the end of that time, I'd be climbing him like a jungle gym! But on further reflection, I think I might also start to feel a bit resentful that we could only play when he said it was okay to do so. Furthermore, if I were really not happy about the situation, I might not even put much effort into the encounter when it did finally happen, preferring to just focus on my own orgasm and not be as concerned about his pleasure.

The point of this discussion however is not to judge or look down my nose at things that make other people happy - goodness knows L and I indulge in things - many we don't even write about - that many might find unpalatable. No...we wanted to help our friend with some suggestions as to how she could handle her situation; to perhaps provide new points of view that may be helpful to get things back on track for her.

1. My first suggestion would be to pull back on the chastity thing, even if just temporarily. That would provide her with an opportunity to work on a couple other items that are of paramount importance: libido and stamina.

2. There are as many ways to increase a lower libido as there are reasons for it in the first place. Assuming all is well medically and emotionally, one of the best ways to increase libido is exercise. Starting even a light exercise routine can make a marked difference. I know life is busy and it's often hard to fit this stuff in, but it could also be together time for them, going for a walk nightly, for example. According to L, blowjobs are also great for increasing libido. He calls them a "kickstart". Hmmmm.

3. I think much more frequent sex/masturbation would help with the stamina problem. Since she enjoys controlling his ejaculations, would it not also be control to have him masturbate a couple times a day? Masturbating and backing off when the feeling of orgasm is imminent is a good exercise to help focus on his body and to 'learn' to have more control. Used in conjunction with L's wooden spoon method, I can see this suggestion having value.

4. Desensitizing or numbing creams used during sex can also help to reduce stimulation to make him longer lasting. The last few times I've been in a sex shop, there has been a constant stream of men buying these creams, so they are clearly quite popular.

I know our friend is very sensitive about saying things to hurt his feelings and this is good. Good frank conversation, understanding and flexibility while working together on some of these items will go a long way. I hope that these ideas are helpful to her and that with or without them, she will be able to move past her frustrations and move on to something better.


  1. Love the title. :)

    It gives me the warm and fuzzies that you two spent time coming up with possible solutions, let alone write posts about them. You're awesome! I will say a few things first : chastity is much different for males than females, and that consent to be denied is key. Also, his libido isn't low per se, but maybe complacent. He waits for me to take the lead. So, with that in mind......

    1. Done. We're working on stamina. Worked on it earlier today as a matter of fact.
    2. I absolutely agree about this. It's great for self esteem, too, which only helps in the bedroom.
    3. We've tried this recently. He has better control at stopping before it's too late than I do. Maybe a morning routine is necessary?
    4. I'm intrigued by this idea. Haven't given it a go, but thinking I need to......

    Wonderful suggestions and offered with such an open mind. Thanks V!

  2. Ruf always cringes when he sees those male chastity cages. I cant say it would do much for me 'controlling' his cock. I far prefer him in his current unfettered lustful state. But then, we do only get to see each other one or two weekends per month. Perhaps all relationships should be this way :P