We said: When Life Gives You Lemons...

L and I were chatting about some of the funny things that have happened to us, as well as some of the toys or positions we tried that didn't work out for us for one reason or another. We had such a good laugh remembering these stories, that we decided to share some of them with you. In fact, we have already written about some of them - about having his coworker walk in on me half-naked and our experience with the satin flogger and the Wartenburg wheel, for example - but there are several other stories that we've never written about that you might enjoy.

One such time, L decided he'd like to pin some clothespins on my nipples. Now my nipples are quite tiny and I just could not tolerate them at all. This was especially embarrassing, since L attached them on his own even smaller nipples to show me and kept them on for a few minutes and didn't even grimace. We subsequently bought some nipple clamps that have a dial right on the clamp that allows you to adjust how hard they squeeze and those work out fine for me.

You wouldn't think based on what V has gone through in the posts including me biting her nipples quite hard that she would laugh when I applied a clothespin to those self same nipples but instead her eyes almost bugged out and before 3 seconds had elapsed she was begging me to remove it. Always the good sub though she didn't remove them herself.

That's true - you do bite very hard....hard enough that you usually leave bite marks...but somehow it's different! Your bites are a huge turn-on, but the clothespins...not so much...they just hurt.

I read a blog post over at Shibari's Confessions about vampire gloves. I thought they were the coolest thing. I love to have my back stroked and scratched and L often runs his nails and finger pads along my back as we lie snuggling. I like to do the same to him. I thought that the vampire gloves could be an extension of that. After mulling it over for a while, I ordered a pair online and after a short wait, got them and brought them to show L. He was singularly unimpressed with them. He tried to put them on, but his hands are so large that even though they are stretchy, it was a real struggle. Once his hand was part way in, he tried them on me, but rather than making long strokes of varying degrees of pressure, which is what I would have done, he pressed his hand into my skin in a couple different areas and then tried a quicker patting motion - neither of which had much impact. I tried them on him and he said he'd rather the feel of my hands, so the vampire gloves were packed away, never to see the light of day again. (See what I did there! hehehe)

Hmmm maybe we should dig those suckers out of the mischief bag and give them a try again. I was thinking more of the ouchy factor than the stimulation factor. Or maybe I should just get out V's favourite toy, the ping pong paddle.

"Favourite", my ass...um...Sir!

Yet another time, when I had decided that I wanted to try anal with L, he suggested I go to the sex shop and purchase a butt plug. His idea was that I could try it on my own and get used to being penetrated so that I'd know what to expect when we were together. I looked at the butt plugs in the sex shop and was amazed...no, horrified...at the size of some of them. Some were thicker than my wrist! Anyhow, I bought what I thought I'd be able to tolerate, which in retrospect was tiny - even smaller than the width of a finger. It ended up that L was the first to insert it into me and it went in so easily, I couldn't believe it was actually in there. I was expecting something far worse than it was. I don't think we've had much use for that plug since - we have a few much larger ones now, though none are anywhere the size of the ones I saw that first day. I try to keep them around the same width as L's cock - that seems to work out fine.

Hey sexy, did you forget about the glass one? I tried it out first and wrote about it in some long distant post but when you tried it you inexplicably just couldn't get used to the feeling of it. The biggest problem with butt plugs is they are more like butt rockets. If you don't hold those suckers in they come shooting out at the most inopportune times.

I did forget about that plug, actually. I recall you couldn't get it in without killing me and turned it over to me, not wanting to hurt me...and then I had the same problem. I don't think it was that it was so large, but possibly more to do with insufficient lube. I think when a dildo or butt plug is glass there is an idea that it is already quite smooth and that you don't need as much lube, which is not the case.

Sometimes, it's not the toys that are funny. There have been times when we've wanted to try some new (to us) sexual positions and they just don't work out for us. L is nearly a foot taller than I am and that can sometimes make for interesting times. It can feel like we're playing Twister just doing something as simple as a 69, for example. It can also be a real struggle if I want to ride him and kiss him at the same time. In fact, even though L is a slim man, my legs are just barely long enough for my knees to be on the floor once I've straddled him. Thank goodness - I love riding that man's cock!

The other problem with the height disparity is doggie style, last time we tried it we just couldn't get the angles right and you ended up on top of me.

Oh, yes - that was just recently. We can do doggy style (which I love!) if I am standing and leaned over a chair or desk. Well, I usually have to also stand on something to get a little height, but yeah. On hands and knees, this position doesn't work for us at all. I think it's actually a combination of two things - the difference in our sizes and also the makeup of our anatomies - well, my anatomy anyway. L has to get almost up underneath me in order to be able to penetrate me because of the angle.

We really need to get some of that sex furniture we keep seeing.

Yes! I think that would be very helpful to us. I keep looking at those wedges.

At yet other times, either he or I will say something funny while in the middle of sex and we get the giggles. In my defense, it can be hard to string a sentence together when I am being well fucked. Sometimes L will say something silly, like ask me if I came after I just obviously exploded in pleasure. Neither of us is Shecky Green, but I think we both certainly appreciate the humour that we each bring to the relationship. Our times together are filled with sex, yes, but also with lots of laughter, happiness and fun. After all, isn't that what it's all about?

Who is Shecky Green? Really my dear, you are showing your age. How about neither of us is Chris Rock, or is he already dated?

Huh...maybe you are a "Granny effer " after all. ;)